Move along, nothing to see here

10 Mar

There are all of these dating sites out there, all standing by with digital rejections I can review in the privacy of my own home. I’ve tried most, and even was lured in and payed for a few. This was before I realized unless you can show a rock hard six pack of abs in your profile, complete with glitter oil and shine, you are not getting a click into your profile and it doesn’t matter what you write. I’m sure the fairer sex will chime in at this point and redirect the blame to the shallowness of my gender as a whole, but the truth will remain – on any of these sites there is a ratio of 3:1 or more men to women.

Before I continue my tale, I’d like to take a moment to mention the type of profile that annoys me the most; the hurt female looking for a nice guy. These aren’t hard to find, they by far out number the rest. They annoy me in two ways, one is just a fact of life: women are allowed to rant and rave about a past love who hurt them and therefore all members of the species with a lower appendage are scum, but should beg to ask them out anyway. That doesn’t annoy so much as the second; these profiles are often not interested in finding the nice guy they claim. Back to the topic at hand…

So you’ve seen the ads for this site, You are probably looking at an ad right now, they are all over. Sometimes with more cleavage than text, others they speak about true romance. One would think this shallow attempt at gaining members would be transparently thin, but even I, your jaded guide on this tour, clicked the picture. The one with cleavage.

Getting an account on the site is like every other, at the end they ask for money and I turned them down. After about four days, I get a rash of emails; I guess they know I hadn’t been back since the initial date. I’ll admit too, I’m worth pursuing – not by the women on the site but by the site owners, I’d be the perfect recurring monthly balance – you only need to string me along. The way attempts this is beyond all others.

I received a match, from a profile of the wife of True’s CEO. She liked my nick name, and thought I would be a good catch. I guess it’s a damn shame she’s already married, but she pointed out the simple reason I had no matches (actually I have no views, let alone matches… even Mrs. CEO hadn’t taken a look). The answer was simple though, I needed to take the personality test and then the site would take over. Huzzah, love is a few clicks away.

After the test, and another round of asking for money, I waited as a custom list was compiled of my matches. These would be matches based upon the test results, no glitter oil required. Finally, an email arrives to let me know the list is ready… and it’s empty. I am unmatchable.

Maybe I should have given them money.